Update 2015 December 12

Things are going surprisingly well. If all continues going as planned, I’ll ask for (and probably be granted) a day pass this Friday (December 18), an overnight pass from Saturday to Sunday (December 19-20), and be discharged on next Monday (December 21). I don’t know what my diagnosi(e)s is/are, but I guess it doesn’t really matter, if I’ve learnt anything these two years. Anyway, we’ll discuss that when discharge comes. Whatever it/they is/are, I hope it/they will help me better understand how to deal with my thoughts and emotions, and that’s what matters.
Meds will continue to be tweaked even after discharge, but nothing that would cause me (hopefully) too much distress. Anyway I live close to the hospital and I have apparently a lot of good insurance, so if all else fails I’ll just come back to Emergency.
That’s it for now. The Creatures are still there, but they’re okay. Things are going okay.
My mood is good, too. It’s been a month back on antidepressants, and even though I didn’t believe they worked, I’m actually excited about life now, so I guess they DO do something. :P

Thanks for following along. If you’re in Singapore let me know if you want to hang out. I’ll be Skypeable soon, so look out for that. Let me know if there’s anything I can pray for you about.
Regards.

Update 2015 December 3

This is another instance of WordPress FAILING on my phone. My entire post has been lost, and I’m not typing it all out again.

Suffice to say that The Creatures are back, but there is a friendly deer who was here, went away, then came back. So I’m surviving at the moment. When the meds kick in The Creatures should go away, but the friendly deer (I call it/him Prongs) might go away too. :(

Still, I’m not fighting the meds either. Even though/if I am not sick and everything I believe is true.. I will be ok with staying in this world and living here.

Keep praying for me. The Creatures are not fun. They touch my shoulders and arms and legs, and it’s a cold, soft, unpleasant pressure. Still, Prongs makes things okay.

That’s it for now. Thanks for following along.

Update 2015 November 28

I typed out a long post explaining in detail everything that happened between last and this updates, but then I pressed a wrong button and it all got deleted. And I’m lazy, so I’m not going to type it all out again.

The long and short of it is, I am in inpatient in the Institute of Mental Health in Singapore (for Torontonians, the Singapore equivalent of CAMH). I have insurance that covers everything so I’m in a private ward, which is much nicer than the ward I was in when I was in Toronto. Which is nice, because I’m likely to be here for at least a month while my meds get a complete overhaul.
In the process I’m likely to get psychotic again for a while, which I’m not really looking forwards to because it’s not fun. But I guess it’s necessary, and I kind of wanted it, since other things weren’t working. I respond VERY fast to medication, in terms of side effects, therapeutic effects, and crap-I’m-off-it-time-to-get-psychotic effects.
I do like my new doctor though, and he knows what he’s doing (I think). And I’m on home ground (at least administratively). And most of my family is here. And I have a few friends here. So I’m in safe hands. Even if I do miss my friends in Toronto.

The technology here, even in the private sector, is more advanced than the hospital I was in during my time in Toronto. Everything is recorded electronically. My wristband has a QR code that the nurses scan when they give me my medications. In Toronto, everything was still on paper. The comparison is weird, because Canada is supposed to be part of the Global North and Singapore the Global South.

I get to use my phone here, too. And wear my own clothes. And use technology with long wires. Which is strange, because electonics were banned from my ward in Toronto. But it’s handy I guess, because at least I can keep my friends updated. And maybe even my webcomic (though I don’t have a proper scanner, or a photoeditor on my phone).

We’ll see how the next few weeks unfolds. Salutations

Update 2015 November 20

It’s been kind of a long 2 weeks. Actually, a long 2 months. Well, a long 2 years. Can’t believe it’s only been 2 years since all this.

These few weeks have been extremely hard on my family, particularly my mother as she has to deal with both me and my older sibling’s problems, as well as keep in mind my grandparents’ failing health back in Singapore. It’s been hard on my older sibling too, especially with that time she spent the weekend looking for me instead of studying for her two tests the next day, and with living far from campus.

The Creatures are still in my head. I’ve called them The Wolves before (in my tags on this blog), I’ve called them Malcolms (Macs for short), I’ve called them Otherworldly Beings that Take Up my Headspace. I’ve called them Critters, to make them seem less powerful.
I still am not 100% sure about What is Reality. I’m still not sure that what I call The Grand Illusion (after a psychological term) is not true.
But I will cling to reality, and I will fight The Grand Illusion, and I will fight the Malcolms. Until they take up less and less space in my head. Perhaps one day they will disappear altogether.

I will fight.

The picture is two pieces of chocolate that yesterday’s advisor at the International Students Centre at my university gave me. I went there to figure out insurance coverage and immigration things. The person I spoke to yesterday, helped me out the first time as well. She reminded me that God loves me, very much, whatever else happens. The people around me constantly remind me of this, of their care, of God’s care.

I haven’t made it this far alone, and (with the part of me that still believes in God, that hasn’t given in to The Grand Illusion) I know that even as I go back to Singapore, God will carry me further, and He will keep me safe. And God and His people and my family and I, we will fight.
Most of the time, that’s not what goes on in my head, though. I don’t fight because it’s what God wants. I fight because that’s what I have to do. I don’t get a choice about it. But I do get a choice about how I fight, and I’m going to give this illness a run for its money.