It’s been kind of a long 2 weeks. Actually, a long 2 months. Well, a long 2 years. Can’t believe it’s only been 2 years since all this.
These few weeks have been extremely hard on my family, particularly my mother as she has to deal with both me and my older sibling’s problems, as well as keep in mind my grandparents’ failing health back in Singapore. It’s been hard on my older sibling too, especially with that time she spent the weekend looking for me instead of studying for her two tests the next day, and with living far from campus.
The Creatures are still in my head. I’ve called them The Wolves before (in my tags on this blog), I’ve called them Malcolms (Macs for short), I’ve called them Otherworldly Beings that Take Up my Headspace. I’ve called them Critters, to make them seem less powerful.
I still am not 100% sure about What is Reality. I’m still not sure that what I call The Grand Illusion (after a psychological term) is not true.
But I will cling to reality, and I will fight The Grand Illusion, and I will fight the Malcolms. Until they take up less and less space in my head. Perhaps one day they will disappear altogether.
I will fight.
The picture is two pieces of chocolate that yesterday’s advisor at the International Students Centre at my university gave me. I went there to figure out insurance coverage and immigration things. The person I spoke to yesterday, helped me out the first time as well. She reminded me that God loves me, very much, whatever else happens. The people around me constantly remind me of this, of their care, of God’s care.
I haven’t made it this far alone, and (with the part of me that still believes in God, that hasn’t given in to The Grand Illusion) I know that even as I go back to Singapore, God will carry me further, and He will keep me safe. And God and His people and my family and I, we will fight.
Most of the time, that’s not what goes on in my head, though. I don’t fight because it’s what God wants. I fight because that’s what I have to do. I don’t get a choice about it. But I do get a choice about how I fight, and I’m going to give this illness a run for its money.
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