Today at church, the song Mighty to Save came on during worship. It was written in 2006 and I’ve sung it since high school. It reminded me of a lot today.
The past week has been one of the hardest I’ve had ever. Not that anything specific happened that hasn’t before. But somehow, something finally broke in me. It’s been 7 to 8 years since I started experiencing depressive symptoms and at least 2 years since starting to experience psychotic symptoms. I know they’re probably lifelong things, and people live with them for decades. But for me, this week, 8 years just felt like a really long time. (I’m only 21.) A really long time that God has been messing with me for. A really long time for God to keep giving me hints of success (yes! I can come back to study) and then taking it away or tainting it (no! I still can’t live independently). This week I got hopeless, and then I got angry at God. I’ve been somewhat hopeless before, and angry at God before, but never to this extent. Never to the extent that I actually literally cursed God for messing with me. Which I did in Tuesday’s post.
Standing in church today, though, with the lyrics of Mighty to Save staring at me in the face and the familiar tune resonating around me, I was reminded to hope again.
I could look at the past 8 years as God messing with me, God making things imperfect. Or I could look at it as 8 years of God’s faithfulness. Singing Mighty to Save in high school, I was committing the moods I did not understand to God. I didn’t understand depression, then. People told me I didn’t have it, just because I appeared to function. So I just had these moods, these feelings of worthlessness, this grayness. I didn’t understand them. All I knew was to commit them to God, and remind myself that my God is mighty to save. And God was still faithful. He still took me through. I lived on the 20th floor and thought about suicide basically every day. But Jesus conquered the grave, I sang, He would help me not to end my life. And guess what, I’m still here.
I sang it today in the same context, but with something extra. I’m still reminded to cling to God, trying to find hope for today. Trying to let mercy fall on me. But also trying to remember: Everyone needs compassion.
Everyone.
Everyone is going through stuff. It’s easy to get caught up in my illness, or even the world of chronic illnesses, and stop caring about anyone outside. The people around me have job problems, (other) health problems, relationship problems, money problems. Everyone needs compassion.
I could let the past 8 years make me feel miserable about myself. And I could get angry at God, angry at my genes, angry at myself. I could get angry at the world for allowing me to have gone through what I’ve gone through.
Or I could let the past 8 years help me to understand what it is like to need compassion, and what it is like to give compassion. In so many ways, I have experienced the compassion of others. An encouraging text message. A place to stay. A conversation. If not for my illnesses, I might never have known. So in a way, the past 8 years has been a tremendous gift. What could be better than the gift of seeing something in a new way?
So when I sing about God being Mighty to Save, I am reminded of the things He has given me these 8 years, the faithfulness He has had. I am reminded that He has kept me safe thus far. And I am reminded that there is so much need for compassion in this world. When I tell God shine your light: it’s through me. It’s through being living proof of God’s never-failing love, and through my small acts of compassion, day after day.
Alright guys I’ll stop getting all sentimental now.
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